


Know Your Darkness

by MelloxChocolate (KanraXXX)



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-19 21:02:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15518520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KanraXXX/pseuds/MelloxChocolate
Summary: Sequel to Monster Syndrome. Shizuo's POV (first chapter). Shizaya. Implied suicide. Dark.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Old story, written in 2017, moved here from FF.net.

"Hey, have you heard? Izaya Orihara has apparently disappeared."  
"Hasn't he been gone for a while?"  
"Yeah, but rumors have it no one has even seen him for months now."  
"Haha, think he's dead? Would serve him right!"

The tall blonde takes a drag from his cigarette as he walks past the two, now laughing teenagers.

At home, Shizuo slumps down on his bed, running a hand through his hair as he stares at the ceiling.

"It's a good thing he's dead. If he actually  _is_  dead, that is. One nuisance less in the world...", he rolls on his side, closing his eyes.

...

"Dead, huh? I wonder what got him, or who. But with his lifestyle, that was to be expected anyway."

He turns on his other side, "kinda pisses me off that it wasn't me, though."

"I should have killed him back then."

"That stupid flea, yeah,  _totally_  should have killed him. Tsk."  
Shizuo reaches for his pack of cigarettes on the nightstand.

"But now he's dead anyway."

His hand stops in motion, "so the flea is dead..."  
He clenches his teeth.

"What is this bullshit? Don't fuck with me."  
Balling his fist, he takes a deep breath in a failed attempt to calm down.

"I said not to fuck with me!", yelling, he punches the wall hard enough to leave a crumbling hole.

He scowls.

"Shit, need to get this fixed again when I'm back...", he mumbles as he puts on his shoes and stomps out the door, slamming it shut. "I'll find the bastard..!"

* * *

After walking around for a while and having been to the usual places, Shizuo takes his phone out of his pocket and dials a number, "yo Shinra, have you talked to Izaya recently?"

"Shizuo-kun? Why are you asking that out of the blue?"

"Well, you see...uh...I heard a strange rumor."

"Strange rumor? Let me ask Celty."  
Shizuo is fidgeting with his cigarette as he's waiting for Shinra to return to the phone.

"Well, Shizuo-kun, you see, it seems that Izaya died a while ago. After everything that happened, I'm sure you feel relieved to hear that. Oh, did you try asking Vorona out by now? You know she likes you! Ah, Celty wants to go shopping. See you!"

_Click._

Lowering his arm, Shizuo stands there, the people passing by looking at him strangely, albeit not daring to bump into him.  
With his mouth open, he directs his gaze at the clouds when a raindrop hits his cheek.

...Minutes that feel like an eternity tick by.

"It's fine, right? With this, everything is over. I can move on now."  
His eyes blank, the single droplet turns into a downpour, falling relentlessly and soaking him to the bone quickly.

"Move on, huh..."

His hand grabbing his chest, "move on from  _what_...exactly?", Shizuo laughs dryly.

...

"How absurd...There's no way I can move on from this..."

His tears mingling with the drenching rain, he watches as the sky falls.

...

Shizuo keeps on walking, stumbling through the streets, until the cold starts numbing his body.

After sitting on a park bench for a duration that feels like hours, he heads home.

With heavy feet, Shizuo climbs the stairs to his apartment, almost stepping on the envelope in the doorstep.  
The wetness dripping from his bangs saturates it as he picks it up.

"I can't be bothered with this right now", before tossing it carelessly on the table and getting into the shower.

* * *

The next day...

Shizuo knows it's time to get up, but he stays in bed until Tom is about to kick his door open to drag him to work.  
Taking out his anger on the clients more than usual, the blonde is quickly sent home again.

A lot of days pass like that. They pass, until Shizuo starts losing track of how many went by.

* * *

One evening, the group sits in a bar. Vorona looks at him like she's about to say something, but quickly looks away again as Shizuo returns her glance. The blond man ruffles his hair, seemingly irritated.

When she's heading to the restroom, Shizuo leans close to Tom and asks, "what's up with her? She's been acting strange lately..."

Tom blinks a few times, swallowing his drink before answering, "really, Shizuo? You think  _she_  is acting strange?"

"Huh? What do you mean?", obviously puzzled, Shizuo puts down his glass with unintentional force, whispering an almost inaudible "sorry...".

"It's  _you_. You are the one who has been acting strange. Have you ever tried looking in the mirror lately? For how long you didn't sleep despite being in bed all day?"

Shizuo's eyes widening, he quickly changes his attitude, shrugging it off and replying, "haha, Tom-san, I'm fine, I have no reason to worry about anything. I might even ask her out one of these days!", he laughs as he puts the money on the table and waves his goodbye.

Staring in disbelief and quite worried, "Wai- Shizuo-", Tom wants to get up to go after him but the many people in the bar cause him to lose sight of his friend.

* * *

It's late at night by the time the blonde arrives at home, but for some reason he doesn't feel sleepy at all. Or perhaps he is so tired that he doesn't sense the exhaustion anymore.

His gaze wandering across his small room, he notices something.

"Ah, damn...I should really clean this place up...", he groans and starts putting the trash in a bag before proceeding to sort through all the post he didn't open yet. It had become quite a pile.

The man grabs the whole mountain of newspapers and is about to throw them out, as a small, black envelope falls to the floor.

He blinks in surprise, "what is this? Oh right, that thing I found back then...bet it's a due payment notice or something. How annoying..."

Shizuo sighs as he rips it open. Inside, there's only a single line written. It's an internet address.

"What the hell?! Now I'm receiving spam in real life?! Pfff, no way I'm going to visit that site!", he ends up throwing all the papers including the letter out. Brushing his hands, he's satisfied with himself and his nightly cleaning session.

He grabs a beer and sits down in front of his TV. As it gradually becomes harder keeping his eyes open after some minutes, he ends up dozing off.

* * *

It's already morning by the time the sunrays tickle his face and ungently wake him up.

While he's checking for mails on his phone that was lying next to him, he remembers the strange URL again. "I wonder what that was..."

Rubbing his eyes, he starts entering the address, "I guess checking it out can't hurt..."

"...Eh?"

Turns out it's a forum. The design is rather simple, dark colors and only few sections can be seen.

_"Please enter a password."_  
The blonde frowns.

"Kinda reminds me of when I first visited the Dollars site", he giggles, before realization hits him, "Oh shit! The password..! It must be..!"

He storms out the door and rummages through the garbage bin, frantically trying to find the familiar black envelope between all the old newspapers.  
He sighs in relief as his hand gets a hold of it, "found it..!"

Shizuo turns the letter upside down, taking a close look from all angles; there's no password seen anywhere. After several minutes he's starting to get infuriated, until he finds tiny scribbling in the corner.  
 _"Look where it can't be seen."_

Feeling happy, he enters the sentence. Wrong password. He tries all possible spellings of it, still wrong password.  
Next thing, a chair is flying out his window.

* * *

Some days later...

Despite the tall guy's initial rage and the glued chair he is sitting on, he became quite obsessed with this poor attempt at a riddle. Dead set on solving it, he's now using anything he can think of that could possibly give him a hint, but so far none of the people he asked could help him out.  
But he doesn't mind anymore. He has been able to sleep again since he started walking around all day looking for clues, and is overall feeling better with his mind focusing on this and distracting him from everything else.

Googling again, he finds a link he didn't click yet. Opening it, he sees a website full of riddles and possible solutions. Scrolling through it, he finds something similar, where it says that sometimes things can't be seen because they are either hidden, too small, too far away or somewhere in the dark.  
Putting his thumb to his chin, he sits in deep thought.

"Darkness, huh...and far away...kinda reminds me of being high above...a roof? A roof at night time!"

Running out the apartment, he finds himself standing on a roof with a view all over Ikebukuro soon after.

...

"Been a while since I've last had this sensation...", the harsh wind is hitting his face, yet he feels free.

"Haven't been here since  _he_  disappeared..."

...

Taking a deep breath, he tries to focus on the task at hand, "now...what do I see?"

He scratches his head, staring off in far distance before lying down on the rooftop and gazing at the stars.

Shizuo starts recalling various memories, even little details he thought were lost when he decided to lock it all away. Despite the very bad ending he shared with Izaya, not everything between them had been an error.  
He remembers friendly and even silly things, such as Izaya laughing when Shizuo chased after him, and letting himself get caught on purpose just so that they could watch the sunset together. Shizuo liked those moments. He even had fun chasing him through entire Ikebukuro, not always with a bad intention in mind. Sometimes they were just running around, making out at nice places ever so often, before returning to their routine of fighting.

"Oh...I get it now...what I see...what I truly see, that can only be seen at this place...is  _him_."

...

The blonde reaches for the phone in his pocket, and finally succeeds at accessing the forum.

* * *

However, this forum isn't quite what he expected it to be. Not that he had any specific expectations to begin with...  
Now that he's logged in, he sees hundreds of sub areas, thousands of comments and a lot of strange topics.

The more he clicks through it, the more depressed he starts feeling. Most of the people here are talking about emotional conflicts, mourning, self-harm and ultimately suicide.  
But what he also sees, are threads of people comforting each other and speaking about their tragic experiences.

Shizuo decides to write a comment. Something short and simple, a quick introduction. No one is using their real name so he figures there's no risk to it.

"Hello! I'm new here! Nice to meet you all! ^_^v"

Some people quickly respond to him, greeting and welcoming him.

_"Welcome! Nice to meet you too!"_

He feels glad, and a little less like an outsider. That's right, no one here knows who he is. Maybe he is finally able to relax...

Minutes turn into hours. He just keeps sitting and chatting, feeling more at ease with each moment passing by.

At first, it's superficial small talk, but gradually, the subjects turn heavier. However, even though his qualms about opening up to the people are being reduced, Shizuo doesn't really get involved in their conversations other than agreeing once in a while.  
Suddenly, he is being messaged by a girl via private message.

_"Hello! I hope you don't mind that I'm messaging you, you just seem like a friendly person and I'd like to speak with you more! n.n"_

A young girl who is speaking very feminine and refined, apparently betrayed by her boyfriend and feeling very hurt. There are a lot of details in her tellings, but never enough to give away any personal info.  
Listening to her is tugging at his heartstrings. Seeing the pain of another person was always hard for Shizuo, but this is different. It's like he can feel what she is going through, as if he can actually relate to her.

Like this, months pass by...

* * *

They spend countless nights chatting, until Shizuo eventually speaks about his own sorrow. He knows he can trust her. Out of everyone in his current life, this girl probably knows him best, considering he has been hiding at home for a long while now and the unread messages on his phone keep piling up.

_"What made you change?"_

"You see, there was someone I knew. That person wasn't very friendly, he was a bastard really, and we ended up fighting a lot. XD"  
Shizuo's fingers shake a little as he's typing, but he plays the story down as he goes.

"I used to chase him to beat him up, but he always got away. I felt such hatred and rage toward him, for messing with me.  
I never knew why he chose me out of all people to mess with, and I hated it because I didn't understand it. Even now I get angry thinking about it. LOL."

_"Haha. That sounds funny!"_

It's a cold summer night, the blonde didn't bother turning the lights on so there's only the flickering of his computer screen.

"Yeah, I really hate that guy...but I miss him."  
He stops for a moment, biting his lip.

_"You miss him..?"_

"Sometimes, I miss him so much that I think my heart is going to break."

The mood changed. The girl isn't replying, merely listening, she knows him good enough to acknowledge the importance of it.

What Shizuo doesn't see is that the other person is having the same sad and strained eyes that he's having as their hands are hovering over their keyboards.

"I think he made me chase him because he didn't want to be alone...and by chasing him, I felt less alone as well.  
I had friends, I mean, I still have them...but I think deep down they are scared of me; he never was. Now that I think about it, he was the only person that never flinched away from me, and seemed to enjoy taking everything head on. He was so annoying...fucking crazy...But I...I still...", he hesitates and stops writing in the middle of a sentence, nervously hitting backspace.

_"Are you still there?"_

Shizuo holds back the tears swelling up, while he suddenly feels like talking more and more. He needs to tell her. Maybe it's selfish, but he can't keep it inside anymore. The pressure is too much, he will crack if he doesn't let it out. That's what he is thinking as he continues the sentence from before.

"He never minded the bruises I inadvertently left on him, he knew I tried not to hurt him in our gentle moments; at times it seemed as though he even cherished them.  
Now that I think clearly about it, I think there always was an underlying trust between us. We didn't need to speak, and the words we spoke didn't matter. None of the insults we hauled at each other mattered, as long as I was able to grab him and look him in the eye. I knew he understands, and he knew I understand. Ah, excuse me for a second. AFK."  
Shizuo walks to the bathroom to splash some cold water in his reddened face.

On the other side of the screen, the person is tying middle length hair up in a ponytail before starting to put on black nail polish; waiting for the chat partner to return, while quietly singing along to a song which is playing in the background,  _"...wants to touch me...wants to love me...will never leave me...lala...la...don't trust...never trust...won't trust me...oh..."._  
Snickering, the lightest trace of bitterness and sarcasm can be noticed throughout the seemingly happy vibes. However, it ends as the vibrant eyes catch a glimpse of the other person having started typing again.

"I'm back now. Sorry about that."

_"Welcome back!"_

"Thanks. Anyway, where was I..."

_"What happened between you and your friend after that?"_

"I think I got scared, and began doubting him. He always had been a bastard, but he started going over the top. I felt like he really hates me at times. He harmed my friends, and I thought maybe he plays with me like with everyone else.  
I got so angry at him, and back then I had a truly hard time controlling my temper. Our quarrels became crueler every time, the wounds went deeper; both physically and mentally. It was like he's pushing me away, not letting me close anymore.  
Our minds were clouded, there was only pain and hatred left between us, even though I never wanted any of it to happen. I lost control, and almost killed him.  
I felt depressed the days and nights that came after that, even though he deserved it, probably. I felt horrible, I wanted to do something about it; fix it.  
But then I heard he's gone, before I got the chance to see him again. I tried to find him, but no one knew anything regarding his whereabouts.  
I started thinking, perhaps it's better this way. I blamed him alone for everything that went wrong, and gave in to the hatred, fueled by the emotion of betrayal. After all, he left me. Abandoned me. Like I was trash to him."

_"I see. Do you think that's how it truly was?"_

"I think he was just scared as well, but back then I told myself there probably never was any form of relationship between us. I never cared that we are both guys, but it's not like he had any reason to love me specifically. He always had other people around him, cute girls, handsome guys, so why would I be special to him? Sometimes I even went as far as thinking that everything was a plan to destroy me. Just a game.  
I wanted to believe that. Until nothing good remained. Now it's that void which has become a black hole inside of me."

_"Fear is the greatest weakness. A broken heart can never be fixed. It's amusing that humans tend to say being heartbroken is a silly thing, but I imagine this is because they have never experienced true love. The scars in the person's heart will just be amassing. However, is this the definition of love humans know, or is this kind of love on an entirely different level, unbeknownst to mere humans?"_

Shizuo sighs loudly, resting his forehead on his palm as he's trying to find the right words.

"What are we, if not mere humans..? And now...that I know he's dead, I'm utterly alone. Because I know that no one else is strong enough to accept me the way I am. I'm only good at breaking things and hurting others. It probably sounds like the most selfish and immature thing ever, but this is simply how it is. And how it was for him, which I failed to see. He's the one I want above all else. This feeling is starting to become more than I can take...I'm so tired..."

_"You know, perhaps there's something such as an unseen wall, which can only be overcome after you've experienced certain events; and felt more than a normal heart is capable of. Something like a door in your perception. Your love will entwine with your very soul, wrap itself around your core, so that you can never get away. If you try, it'll just squeeze your heart until you can't breathe anymore. The only way out, is to kill your heart; but that would result in your own death as well. Perhaps this is why we are so depressed. Tired...of life? Does that mean you want to die?"_

"I...no, I just...I mean...", Shizuo lowers his head, seemingly shocked at the fact that he has no concrete answer. "I don't know...I just regret it so much...I'm pathetic."  
Has he really fallen that deep to even consider the one thing that had never crossed his mind before?

_"I understand. I'm the same as you. You aren't pathetic at all. When I look in the mirror, it becomes harder to recognize myself with each passing day. I'm drifting away, as though my soul is being drawn elsewhere, a place I can't reach anymore. I'm just feeling so tired. It's possible this is a side effect of love; what a plague. How about you? Do you want to see him again?"_

"So this is...love? I wish there was anything I could do for you. I do want to see him again. More than anything. But I don't want other people suffering because of me. Not anymore."

_"You do a lot for me by simply being here, do not worry about me. Before I met you, I wasn't able to speak to anyone. I thought no one would understand me, but you showed me that I'm not completely alone; it numbs the pain. Do you think you'd make him suffer again, if you were to get a second chance?"_

"I'd do everything to see him smile and create a happy ending for us. Even if that is not possible anymore. I still imagine it, and see him in my dreams...When I wake up, I'm both saddened and happy. I'm happy that there's a place I can meet him, a world where I forget that he's gone, and at the same time, it's so painful because it'll never allow me to move on. It's repeating every day, like a curse; I'm stuck in a dark tale."

_"You must genuinely love him. I'm a little jealous."_

"Yeah...I do...", Shizuo notices a soft smile on his lips, "I do love him."

_"Love can truly destroy someone. Even though many people would doubt that such a condition is in fact still "love". How far will you go for an undying love?"_

* * *

Half a year later...

Shizuo arrives at the meeting point, a roof in a district of Tokyo he hasn't been to before.

It's quiet here, kinda remote. He already knows that the girl he has been chatting with for almost a year is in a sickly condition, and doesn't like crowds, so he doesn't mind the place. Despite the sunny sky, it's chilly.

Shizuo has no romantic feelings for her, but he believes she's someone who understands him and who has been with him all this time, facing all the bitter moments of regret and sorrow with him.  
She was always there, like a mirror of his very soul. She knows his darkness.

They never exchanged pictures because it simply didn't matter. So when he sees the back of a way too skinny figure with a long cardigan and fluffy scarf hiding half of the pale face, protecting her from the cold as she's standing on the roof edge, he immediately knows it's her. Well, not like any other people frequent this roof, Shizuo jokes in his mind.

Her shoulder length hair is flowing in the wind, while long bangs are barely concealing her eyes; albeit out of Shizuo's sight.

She's so close to the edge that the wind might knock her off any second, but even this doesn't surprise Shizuo.  
They had been talking about this numerous times, he knows she sees no future anymore. Much like him.

Slowly but steadily his own hope for life had been slipping away, realizing he would never get over losing the one person that turned out to mean more to him than anyone else; very similar to what this girl had gone through.  
Despite not being religious, there is a lingering wish of going to the other side, and seeing Izaya again; to get a chance at making up with him, and apologize so they can create a better fate for the both of them.

They had even been considering ending it together, and right now, seeing her black hair reflecting the sun and her weak legs shivering, he doesn't mind going with her. At least, it would be less lonely.  
He feels like simply taking her hand and not letting go anymore until they hit the ground together.

So that's what he does. Standing next to her, he grips her hand as gently as he can, and despite never having seen this girl, he feels her warmth through the harsh wind encasing them; maybe even because of it.

Softly, the smaller hand is squeezing his. She really doesn't have much strength, Shizuo thinks.

...

The blonde smiles, turning his head to catch a glimpse of the person that has grown so close to him.

His smile freezes as his eyes go wide and blank. He can't believe what he's seeing; are his eyes cruelly betraying him?

The person utters a word, a single name, as the crimson eyes display the same kind of absolute shock.  
"Shizu...chan...", Izaya's lips start quivering as his whole body begins to shake, his legs about to give out.

Shizuo can't say anything, he stands there petrified, as tears begin swelling in his eyes and uncontrollably streaming down his cheeks.

With his heart about to jump out of his chest, the taller man can only do the first thing he's capable of thinking of, embracing Izaya tightly as if to make sure he won't fall.

The sensation of the all too familiar body pressed to his own, is finally enough to make realization kick in, shortly followed by Izaya bursting out into tears as he can do nothing but scream, muffling his voice in the other's shoulder.

"Shizu-chan...Shizu-chan..!", he's repeating it almost desperately as he's clinging to the blonde.

All logic is gone, everything Izaya had promised himself a year ago, it's all gone. The only thing remaining is the overwhelming and heart wrenching longing that is now being quenched more with each passing moment he's in Shizuo's arms.

Knowing Shizuo wanted to die because he couldn't live without him, makes Izaya forgive him. Because, more than everything else, despite not daring to even hope for it anymore, he wanted this person.  
Being occupied by the same emotions, Shizuo finally understands that the love he had started doubting, is in fact reality; and he just knows, they will never lie to each other again, and will never let go of each other again.

As they start whispering incoherent words to each other, getting lost between apologies and attempted explanations, they realize that none of it matters anymore, because they have everything they ever wanted right in their grasp; all that's left is to hold onto it.

Shizuo's hands begin tracing Izaya's face, caressing his flushed cheeks as if to make sure this is real for one last time, until he doesn't even try to fight the urge of kissing him anymore.  
His sobbing turning into soft giggles, the informant eagerly returns every kiss with even more passion until all that remains is the burning emotion of happiness in their hearts.

* * *

"Shizu-chan, how did you find out what the password was?"

Izaya asks as he's leaning onto the blonde, sitting next to him on the roof edge as their fingers intertwine and caress one another.

"When I thought of you, the feeling that overcame me more than any previous rage and sadness I felt, was  _LOVE_."

Shizuo smiles brightly as he wraps his strong arms around the frail body and lifts him up; Izaya, being equally puzzled and happy, holds onto the blonde's neck while he's being carried bridal style.

"Now, Izaya-kun, where will we go~?", Shizuo asks with a grin as Izaya is laughing.

...

_"Thank you, Celty._   
_For keeping your promise of not telling anyone I'm still alive._   
_And for sending him my way. We'll be leaving the city together._   
_-Izaya Orihara"_

Reading the message on her phone, Celty would for sure be smiling if she had a head, as she's tucking a set of black envelopes in a box.

~End~

* * *

A/N:  
I initially just wanted to waste some time at night as I was away from home, and then this story kinda wrote itself and I just let it go where it wanted to go. I'll probably write a finishing sequel with a different rating later. The riddle is quite lame, but I usually write PWP, so this is quite a story for my standards, haha.  
I was thinking Izaya with longer hair could be very sexy...I know both chars are OOC, but I wanted to write a story that makes them seem different to their usual self in order to show their pain and hopelessness. I wanted to give impact to the affect of misguided love.  
I also like the idea of Izaya and Shizuo leaving everything behind to start a new life together somewhere. Izaya probably wouldn't be able to return to Ikebukuro, so it just makes sense.

I have always seen Celty as someone who can be trusted and used as a connection for people to communicate. So the idea was that after Izaya leaves the city, he still stays in touch with her in case he ever needed something. Izaya doesn't know that Celty told Shizuo about the forum he started frequenting after his mental breakdown.  
I see it this way: Celty wanted Shizaya to build a proper relationship by being honest with each other and without any prejudice, but of course she couldn't know what will happen after she gave Shizuo the envelope, she just hoped for it after having seen both of them suffer.  
I also figured it's normal for Izaya to act like a girl online, and with longer hair he could probably pass as one IRL as well~

When I started writing the prequel, I found it hard to imagine Shizaya getting back together after what Shizuo had done to Izaya and wanted the first part (Izaya's POV) to be a standalone fic, but in the end, I believe that true love will always prevail over any pain and hatred, if there truly is a connection of fate. Because there simply is no other way, and no feeling stronger than the yearning for your soulmate after you've encountered them once. Even if inbetween there are so many hardships that hope seems to fade away...  
I just needed something that allows Izaya to forgive Shizuo, because Izaya isn't the forgiving type at all...so I figured, if Shizuo was willing to die for Izaya, Izaya would be able to trust him again (and also the other way around) and they can move on from the past together.  
I think it's a truly sad thing if one person suffers more than the other, so I wanted their suffering to be equal, to reach a mutual understanding that they in fact cannot be without the other. Someone told me long ago "love means to feel the same".

Haha, this is the longest note I ever wrote, but I felt like this story needs some more explanation than my previous ones. Sorry.

I already have a sequel in mind to wrap everything up a little more~ :)


	2. The Quiet Place

I believe the reasons as to why Izaya accepts Shizuo so seemingly easy again weren't really being written in detail, so I figured I will add an extra chapter that was originally supposed to be part of the main story.  
However, I now wrote about different timelines ranging from before they make up, to during, to after.  
I know the first part is kinda dark again because it was supposed to go into the first chapter, however, I still hope I can make things, and Izaya's inner turmoil and conflicted decisions, the fact that he was indeed waiting for Shizuo all along, a little clearer with this.

There are things that might stray from the canon. But I'm such a sucker for happy endings...  
Enjoy.

_I guess there's always something killing me, so it might as well be you._

* * *

"I had no reason to save him, but I had no reason not to save him, either...", Izaya whispers to himself as he runs almost paper-white, long fingers through the soft fur of the black feline, "this little guy...maybe I should name him Shizu-chan?"

* * *

_I'm waiting, even though I hate myself for it. I'm waiting, because I can't forget._

_What are you to me, anyway? A fleeting but very stubborn memory? I hate this weakness of mine, and yet, I want to believe that you'll remember me, and come pick me up. I want to believe, even if every second I allow it another part of me dies. Because it's not coming true, regardless of how long I've been waiting, or how much I'm longing. Yet, the memories keep bleeding through. Increasing my self-loathing until it becomes unbearable..._

_You should've never pretended to love me the way you did. You're a liar..._

_I feel like if I give in to the urge of crying, something in me will shatter. So I won't cry._

_So, with all my strength, I want to hate you. I want to hate you so much that your absence doesn't hurt me anymore. That your loss is just a meaningless loss, along with all the other humans I've lost. Or threw away._

_Because if you turn out to be more than that, what does it make me, for letting you, the only one I've ever wanted, go? But this is a silly line of thoughts. So silly..._

_I'm too good to want someone who doesn't want me. Too perfect to yearn for a lost soul. I love my life. I love it so much, and yet...why do I feel so endlessly empty?_

_This is what I keep asking myself. But to be precise, in fact, I've come to hate every aspect of what surrounds me. The people I see, the environment I live in, I hate it so much that I want to destroy all of it. Burn it down until nothing remains, and hope my memories vanish along with it. But that wouldn't happen, would it? Regardless of what I do, I can't forget. So kill me..._

_There are times I allow myself to dream, for a mere moment, picturing in my mind what we would say and do, imagining how your touch would feel. There are times I lose hope, times I think you won't return, because waiting for you is so painful. Because waiting for you is illogical._

_But I don't fear the pain. I only fear growing old and not having you beside me, still waiting until my dying breath. But even then, I still have the hope of seeing you in our next life and wishing for a better ending._

_How many lifetimes do we need to live through to find happiness? How many have we already experienced, for us to reach this point? Were we lovers in our past lives, soul mates, that our feelings carried over, or were we enemies, forced apart and never allowed happiness, for us to become this way?_

_Recently I've been draining the necessary energy from my very soul, I'm feeling it. My body can't keep up. At times my body hurts so much that I can't sleep at all, in those moments I truly feel like I'm about to die. And I keep whispering for you to come. But you aren't hearing me..._

_I'm all I have left._

_I lived, believing my love was the most important, believing it was my core, but in the end it left me with nothing._

_Perhaps because it was never reciprocated? Perhaps an one-sided love, is indeed, the most cruel thing of all._

_But I'm alive. So it can't be that bad after all, huh? Not bad enough to kill me yet..._

_Izaya closes his eyes as his mind keeps becoming more agitated and desperate._

_You are the only one I can be myself with, who accepts all my ugly sides. The only person that doesn't walk away; the only one who isn't appalled. We can't be with anyone else._

_I think of you, every day, every night. You haunt me in my dreams. I always wondered what I should do to show you that I have genuine feelings for you, whether they are of love or hatred. If I told you this, you'd think it's a lie. Because a monster isn't lovable. That goes for us both, doesn't it?_

_But what if this isn't what humans call "love"? What if this is something entirely different, and we merely lack the right words for it? I want to believe that this which ties us together, isn't love, isn't fate, but something unique and precious belonging to us alone. To the monsters walking this earth._

_I will never let you go, and I want you to know. I want you to know that this will most likely kill me, that I've considered jumping off the rooftop so many times, and yet, I'm still here, waiting for you, calling for you. But I'll never let you know._

_It's not that I believe in you, it's not that I chose to trust you, it's not that I'm too grand to admit I was wrong, nor that I'm afraid to accept it. It's the fact that this truth is something within me, that will never allow me to move on. Encaged in a specific timeframe, my mind swirls around this single unwavering truth in my life, the one thing that will never change. I'm a strong person, and yet, sometimes, I believe that perhaps it's in fact you who is my strength. Because you are my core; you became my core. My insides consist of you alone, you've been gradually consuming everything._

_Regardless of my eloquence, whenever it comes to you, I have such trouble finding the correct words. It almost feels as though no word is good enough to describe you, or my feelings for you. In comparison to your strength, all the words seem to glance off of you._

_Therefore, until that moment you return to me, I will lock it all away. So deeply. The darkness closing in on me, all the mindless drones on the streets, it's all so boring. When I watch them from above, it seems as though they aren't humans, more like, replaceable copies._   
_When I look in their eyes, I see nothingness. But perhaps, it is this way, precisely because they are indeed humans? Haha..._

_Until that day you return, I will ignore it all. I will keep clinging to my empty smiles. I will walk this world as a shadow, and make-believe I hate you. Why? Because it's the only way to survive. I want to hold on, until I can create a Valhalla for us, Shizu-chan. So forgive me._

_I love you._

_Are you thinking of me in this moment? Because my heart feels like it's being torn apart._

_Ah, but if you do indeed return, let's marry. Because we are each other's only chance at happiness. I want our lines to converge at the end, so we'll never have to walk alone again._

_Perhaps, in five minutes, I will truly resent you again...Shall we see?_

...

Izaya laughs sardonically.

* * *

_On the roof, when I realized the person I was talking to the entire time, and deliberately opening up to, albeit never trusting completely, is the very same person I've longed for, I was overwhelmed. Emotions ranging from utter panic to bliss came washing over me, so much that I became dizzy._

_My first reflex would have been to push you away, to turn around and walk away, or even to leap, and yet, before I even got a chance to act upon it, when you tightly embraced me, your warmth, the very real affection I sensed from you, was so much stronger than all other lingering thoughts and options._

_I was so angry, so hurt, so hateful; I put all my strength into despising you, for all your flaws, for everything I deem illogical, for all the amassed pain you inflected upon me. But in that moment, albeit sounding like a completely average and cliched thing; it simply didn't matter anymore._

_I told you lies, and I could tell you all the lies in the world again, and yet, even though I tried, I failed to find a reason for it. I see no more reasons to lie to you, after realizing you have always known me despite the empty lies I told you._

_The dreams I had about you, some of in which you rejected me, in others holding me, until my mind was a fuzz. Those dreams were so different from reality. Both the good ones and bad ones filled me with nothing but bitterness, but your very real smile was able to take all of that away. Your genuine eyes swayed me, despite everything I thought of myself and held firmly on to._

_In the end, there's one person I hated even more than myself, and that I love more than myself: You._

_The only thought that flashed before my inner eye then was "stay". I don't care how long our future will last, I don't care if we die tomorrow, because every day with you, is everything I want._

* * *

"Keep holding me...forever", Izaya whispers as he takes in Shizuo's scent, his hands crawling over the other's back; instigating a closer embrace and grazing the skin faintly.

Despite his words, Izaya jumps ever so slightly as Shizuo touches his lower spine, causing him to whimper due to the sensibility of it.

He falls back onto the bed, getting a good look of the blonde's chest, pampered by the gratifying imagery, "this scar on your chest, I inflicted upon you, did I not, Shizu-chan?", Izaya asks with a honest gaze as he reaches up to trace the imperfect skin with polished black fingernails.

Shizuo blinks, before taking the slightly smaller hand into his and nodding, "yeah, that's why I...treasure it. Now I do..."

Gasping, the crimson eyes are locked on his as Shizuo runs his other hand along the scarred leg of his partner. The faint blush on Izaya's cheeks drowning his pallor.

"And this...I inflicted upon you...I'm sorry...", Shizuo flinches, turning his head to look away, before Izaya palms his cheek. "Don't look away. Look at me as I am now", he smiles delicately.

Subsequently, Shizuo kisses the back of the other's hand, noticing how the familiar ring barely keeps staying on the thin finger, before parting his lips to utter something incomprehensible that almost sounds like  _I'm sorry, I'm sorry_ , as he threatens to get swallowed by the recurring, dark thoughts.

"You know, Shizu-chan, I think I'll do my best at learning to walk properly again", Izaya grins, "because it's truly annoying needing your help all the time", putting a finger to Shizuo's lips, he continues, "and because...I want to be able to stand beside you."

Shizuo's eyes widening as he snaps out of it, he speaks up in surprise, "stand beside me...you mean-", before being interrupted by Izaya's  _Sshh!_

"This is all for you...I love you so much", Izaya smiles as he says it to Shizuo. "I had accepted my defeat, but now...I want more. That's why I want you to watch me closely. Watch me as I climb my way back to the top, or perhaps, as I pull heaven down to earth?", he chuckles, embracing his lover tightly.

"Crazy as ever, my beloved Izaya-kun", Shizuo sighs exaggerated as he rolls his eyes, "but I...like the sound of that", he smirks, entangling his fingers in the black hair tickling him, "I think you should keep your hair at this length...it suits you."

"Oh, do you think so, Shizu-chan? Don't I look too...feminine with it?", the information broker tilts his head, "well, albeit, I've taken a liking to it as well...I assume."

"Why did you let it grow, in the first place?", the blonde asks as he's playing with the other's silky hair, carefully avoiding getting knots in it.

"Why, I wonder? Hm...", Izaya ponders, teasingly kissing the neck of the other man, "because I couldn't stand looking at  _me_  in the mirror anymore."

"You are beautiful", Shizuo beams, planting butterfly kisses along the other man's ear and enticing a giggle.

"Shizu-chan, I think you should stop dying your hair. I want to see you the way you really are", the information broker states as he's grasping the blond strands and burying his hands in them. "You will be the most beautiful. Kiss me more. Love me more..."

...

"Despite not feeling everything, right now I'm feeling you wholly", Izaya utters as his lips are being enclosed by Shizuo's and his body is being engulfed by an almost-forgotten fire.

* * *

Shizuo smiles as he's putting down a bowl of milk, petting the cat's head, "Shizu-chan, huh?", he sighs.


End file.
